I was zoned out on a Peloton ride but suddenly slowed down my legs as the instructor’s words traveled from my ears to my brain, and then to my heart.
“You’re not the same person you were a year ago. Or ten years ago. Be proud of that.”
I’ve actually been thinking about this a lot lately, especially over the last few weeks after seeing the Wicked movie alongside my daughter, some of her friends, and their moms. The songs have been either playing through my Spotify account or in my head since then, but more than anything, there's a set of lyrics that have really played over and over and over again:
Something has changed within me.
Something is not the same.
So much has changed for me over the years. So much that has been out of my control, no matter how hard I have tried to figure it out. And God, I swear I’ve tried, more than anyone else will probably ever know. I’ve tried helping him get answers and proper support. I’ve tried tracking all of his symptoms and managing them as best I could, even if that only meant helpful routines, low stimulation, and limiting my reactions, responses, and personal needs. And I’ve tried so hard, every day, to not give up and believe that there truly is a reason for all of these unexpected changes and my consequential growth.
Because really, what has changed more than anything is me. I’ve changed. I’ve had no choice but to change. All that I have been through has forced me to change.
At some point, somewhere between two and three years ago, I recognized that I needed to let changes happen. These changes going on within me not only kept me going, for the sake of my husband’s health, my daughter’s needs, and my own well-being, but they prevented me from completely crashing down.
No matter how much I share, I’m well aware that I am the only one who really knows the true depth of my growth. I am the only one who will ever know all of the thoughts that I’ve had and the feelings that I’ve felt. The prayers that I’ve prayed and the tears that I’ve cried. Oh, and the questions. I’ve asked so many questions.
The silent questions in my mind and from my heart, as well as the ones that I could no longer hold myself back from speaking aloud. Many of those questions were heard only by my dog, God, and the night sky, while others found the eyes and ears of good friends and confidantes. There were a lot of questions that began with why or when, many that I’m still waiting on the answers to. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if I’ll always be waiting for some of those answers.
But I do know a few things. I know that a lot of the changes that have happened within me have been for my own good. This time has made me reflect on the past, the present, and the future, pushing me to face my demons, let go of regrets, stand up for myself, and take chances that I would have held myself back from before.
The struggles I’ve faced and the lessons I’ve learned have not only changed me, but I have to admit that they’ve helped me become a better version of myself. I am stronger, more confident, and have a greater self awareness.
I’m not the same person I was ten years ago, or even a year ago. Everything in my life has changed, and every thing has changed me. And I can accept that now, and also be proud of myself for choosing to change for the better along with it.
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