Part of My Story

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.

Maya Angelou

I came across this quote back in college, during my senior year when all of the emotions were hitting me. The stress of the unknown turned into anxiety, which eventually led to a few panic attacks, but that was only part of my story. My heart was broken, really for the very first time, and I wasn't brave enough to take a risk, speak up about my feelings, and ask the questions that haunted me for nearly three years on my beloved campus.

Did he really feel the same way as I did, or was I crazy for thinking so all along?

It took me way too long to muster the courage to ask that question, only coming over a decade later when I felt that I had nothing left to lose. I didn't do it for anything more than closure, recognizing that I no longer wanted to be haunted by the unknowns and what ifs of the past.

Instead, I wanted the unknowns to be knowns, the what ifs to no longer ponderings on my worn-out mind and heavy heart. I didn’t even care if the findings weren’t exactly what I once hoped them to be. Honestly, it didn't even matter now. I simply wanted to finally hear the truth.

I never got the answer from him, but I finally asked it. A short response from a close college friend of his was enough for me to breathe easier and put some of the questions from my past to rest. It also let me know that my intuition was right all along, the feelings were mutual. And most importantly, I wasn’t crazy after all.

Why am I bringing this up?

I recently sat on a yoga mat in some of my coziest clothes, surrounded by other women who were reflecting on the question posed by the leader of the group:

What do you feel is your fullest expression of self-love?

I sat with it for a few minutes, hesitant to write down any of the words, phrases, and scenarios that passed through my mind. Then finally, the pen hit the paper and I wrote what I knew I needed to, for my own eyes to see and heavy heart to release.

Living in Full Honesty

What I meant was to be able to live a life that is based on truth.

No secrets. No lies.

No what ifs. No unknowns.

No unanswered questions. No false hopes.

A life filled with concrete knowledge.

The truth, no matter how much it may hurt to hear it.

The answers to questions, despite what they may reveal.

I'm not sure if there's really anything worse than living in the unknown. To wake up every day, feeling pain, or even worse, numbness. Thoughts, memories, doubts, and questions constantly spinning around in your head. And the only thing that really helps is alcohol, very temporarily, and sleep, which lets you escape it all, at least until you wake up again.

Sometimes crying helps, but the tears don't really provide clarity or the answers you seek. Talking about your feelings don't really take the worry away either, and if anything, there's some guilt associated with opening up as if you're ashamed for not being strong enough to keep it inside.

I know that this may sound ridiculous, but it's the truth. It's part of my truth.

I've been living in the unknown for a long time now, in many more ways that anyone else even knows. And really, the truth is all I want. The truth is what I feel I need, and what I know I deserve.

And by knowing the truth, maybe I'll finally get to share more of mine.