Where were you this time last year?
This was a question that was posed to me last week during one of my mindless Instagram browsing sessions. I initially scrolled past it, looking for words with greater inspiration or guidance as I've found myself doing a lot lately, but came back to it after thinking about my response to that question internally again and again.
As I stared at the post for a second time, my mind responded with a paraphrased questions:
Where was I a year ago?
Well, for starters I wasn't physically here, with the here being my current place of employment, a different hospital than I worked at for the previous five years. Not to mention, at this exact time last year, working elsewhere wasn't even something that I gave much consideration to yet despite knowing that our family's financial struggles were now requiring me to change my part-time employment status into full-time hours.
Essentially, a year ago was a new beginning for me, with the job being far from the only change or encounter that would cross my path. Instead, this past year turned out to be a period of reflection, self-growth, and letting go of the many doubts, regrets, and fears that have haunted me for much longer than they should have.
For whatever reason, I felt the strength within to seek out new parts of myself, which guided me to take chances, be more vulnerable, and allow myself to feel all of the emotions, no matter how difficult and painful they were at times.
I learned to listen to my body, especially when I felt the call to rest my anxious and weary mind, and let go of internal struggles and negative energy that crept into my balancing duties of mother, wife, caregiver hospital employee, and empathetic heart.
I focused on connecting with my true inner self and worked on trusting my intuition, using yoga, meditation, and positive self-talk. I've laid in silence thinking about who I am, as well as who I am not, sometimes even questioning if the answer to some of my struggles was to make more changes in myself.
I reflected (A LOT) to better understand my heart and soul, realizing how my compassion and selflessness are characteristics that I've carried within me since my childhood. I let myself revisit past occurrences, including the stress, pain, heartbreak, and confusion that I once endured, in order to let it all go, once and for all. Now I focused on seeing the beauty in the challenges and feeling gratitude for the lessons learned. And maybe, more than anything, the reflections taught me that it was time to let go of the things that once held me back, allowing my broken heart to mend, and finding the self-love that I lost somewhere along the way.
Over the year, I also decided to let go of the ideas that I had regarding my husband's health and instead, tried my best to focus on his needs and how they impact his daily life and ongoing struggles.
While it may have forced me to stop searching for the next doctor to visit or hope for an accurate pre-mortem diagnosis, I began to believe that this was best for him, the person who truly suffers the most, even if more support from the medical community may allow me to be more aware of his true struggles and have clearer understanding of this years-long journey that we've been on together.
I'll admit that this year I've probably spent many more moments questioning What's next? or thinking I can't do this anymore with tears in my eyes, but the strength within me- and much support of many others and guidance from the Universe- always seems to keep me going.
I honestly have no idea what's next, and sometimes that thought causes my mind to spin with anxiety, but I'm confident that this past year has truly prepared me (as much as possible) to be ready to embrace whatever the next may be.
The unknown has always scared me, but I'm going to do my best to let go and let it be, remaining patient and trusting that all of this self care and inner work was truly
preparing me for the next part of my journey.