My daughter is notorious for asking me questions before bed. Not just simple ones about the next day’s weather or how many more days until her birthday. No, she tends to go deep, which on a tired working mom brain on a school night is never the right time.
Usually, I keep my answers short or say we can talk more about the inquiry tomorrow, but this time it was Mother’s Day and given all of her sweet homemade cards with messages saying how much she loves listening to Taylor Swift with me and when I make Rice Krispies for her.
Her question: “Mommy, would you rather be a kid or an adult?”
Now I have had this discussion before, typically with my colleagues or mom friends when chatting about how different the world is now for kids. My response always tends to be the same: “I’d only go back knowing what I know now.”
But this time, I told my daughter differently.
I said, “I’d want to be an adult.”
I didn’t really explain why nor share all of the thoughts that rolled around in my head before I answered her. But my reason was simple and true. I don’t think I could go through it all again.
The self-doubt and lack of confidence.
The feelings of being not thin enough, not pretty enough and not good enough.
The darkness and the rabbit holes.
The numbness.
The bills, the debts and the bankruptcy.
The questions, tests, challenges and setbacks.
The losses and all of the changes.
The loneliness and isolation.
The uncertainty of today, let alone tomorrow and the next day…
Even if I was promised the largest pot of gold or two Eras Tour Tickets at the end, I don’t think I would want to go through all of it again if things were going to play out the same way.
No one knows just how much I’ve struggled in my life as the texts and Instagram posts don’t show just how much my mind spins in circles or feels the constant tension in my shoulders and aching in my heart.
No one has counted the number of naps I’ve taken to quiet my mind or the glasses of red wine I’ve drank to calm the mounting worries.
The truth is, I wouldn’t wish all that I’ve been through on anyone. While it’s made me stronger and shown me sides of myself that I may have never known, it’s also caused me to see the glass half empty instead of half full.
But I know that these last eight years would have been even harder if I didn’t have my daughter by my side, giving me someone to fight for. She’s given me the strength I needed and the belief that an unknown future isn’t as scary as long as she’s my sidekick, my mini me, and my reason to keep going.
Maybe my true reason for wanting to be an adult is also because of her. I just couldn’t imagine life without her.
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