Last week I received a text message from a friend with a familiar inquiry, "How is everything going?"
I wrote a few responses, deleting each one due to my own doubts of what to share. After a while, I settled on "We are ok" as it was how I was feeling in that moment as I walked outside after another busy day at work, feeling refreshed by the autumn breeze and serenity from star-lit evening sky.
While I continued to enjoy the cool air as I walked into the parking garage, I was surprised to hear back from my friend. This time, he commented on my response, and acknowledging the difficult situation that my family continues to be in. I respected him enough to be more honest with my feelings and opened up more about my ongoing struggles.
I've thought a lot about this exchange since it happened, reflecting a lot on how easier it is to say "I'm okay" and move on, even when it's so far from how I've been feeling. I think the main reason is because lately I don't even know how I'm feeling, let alone any words that may give some indication to the vast emotions and countless questions that I continue to struggle with.
The truth is that my many reflections have led me to believe that there really aren't any words that I can say or write that may help me or anyone else understand how I am feeling, now or at any point over these past few years.
Despite many others learning our story and/or being empathetic, sometimes when I'm talking about these challenges I find myself struggling to make sense of it all. So I find myself wondering if anyone else is really even able to "get it" unless they too have lived through this madness themselves.
What also became clear was that I have lost so much of myself over the years, ones that coincide perfectly with my marriage and my husband's illness. I also became a mother during this time, but I do think that my ongoing personal struggles relate more to these other roles and challenges that came along with my husband's symptom-onset in the summer of 2014.
But while I am finding it difficult to express my internal challenges in words, there are those now coming through my fingertips onto this keyboard that will share with confidence that I am struggling to remember what life used to be like and who I was before housing chronic illness and assuming the additional role of caregiver.
And because of that, I'm really trying to focus on reconnecting with the person inside of me, and trying my best to focus on my own needs and creating more of a life that I want to have.
Maybe by doing that, I'm finally working on being more than okay again.