Tomorrow, I turn forty-years old.
I'm in a bit of disbelief, mostly because it doesn't feel like it was that long ago when I was in elementary school and attended my friend's mom's fortieth birthday with all the Over the Hill balloons and Lordy, Lordy, She's Forty signs.
And somehow, now, it's my turn.
Lordy, lordy, how am I forty?!?!
Honestly, don't really care about the being that certain number of an age, but I'm much more concerned about what's going on in my life as I enter this new decade.
In three weeks, we lose our rental home to a scheduled demolition. Any of the prospects we've had these last few months have turned into rejections directly connected to my husband's years-long health struggles and the multitude of problems that have coincided with his neurological challenges, behavioral changes, rejection of continued medical care, and our consequential financial disaster.
The truth is, I'm feeling hopeless. But I'm also really starting to believe that God has some plan that I haven't yet seen come to full fruition.
Or maybe, as my daughter and her friends love to sing in the Taylor Swift song, it's the perfect time for the good karma that I've had to have earned this last decade, or even last few decades, to come into play.
I think this is the only form of hope I have lately. Or if birthday wishes can come true, then I may have one wish for each of the forty candles on the cake, plus the extra one.
One of those wishes is that we can find a place where all of our family can live together, and another is that all of our worries are a thing of the past. And can I use the third wish to win the lottery, then the fourth to buy a beach house? The fifth can be for world peace, and then a bunch of others to cure diseases like dementia and cancer.
As I've mentioned many times before, I've come to appreciate the lessons learned and personal growth that has come with the stress, pain, and hardships of my thirties. But I'm also ready to have less worries and just be happy. Maybe that's my true wish. Can I just be happy? For my own sake, and my daughter's too.