This week I had coffee with one of the wonderful nurses that I worked with this past year, at the hospital that I was laid off from during the summer. We had the loveliest time and covered so many topics during the three hours we spent together, sipping pumpkin spice lattes with almond milk, and somehow it felt like it still wasn't long enough.
She was one of the many people who made losing my position so devastatingly difficult, as we had quickly bonded through the blood, sweat, and tears in the hospital's newly created pediatric unit, but even more so when we connected over our individual experiences with family member's health issues and all of the challenges that come along with it.
During our chat, the one thing that I remember most is this exchange, which actually happened early on while we were still in the car on the way to a local coffee shop.
She said, "I was really worried about you this summer."
Without much hesitation, I responded, "I was really worried about me too."
And then I was extremely fortunate to be able to share with her that not only did we end up moving into a rental house in my daughter's school zone, but I also just accepted a Child Life position at a hospital less than a mile from our new home.
So much has happened in the past two weeks, and honestly, I'm still trying to process it all... while settling into the house and taking care of the necessary onboarding steps, in additional to trying my best to support the needs of my husband, daughter, and dog, along with my own daily tasks and responsibilities.
It's been stressful, to say the least, but it's still nothing compared to the everlasting gratitude that two of my biggest worries are now a thing of the past.
When I think about this summer, there's so much that I wholeheartedly remember, yet a lot of it still feels like a blur.
The most vivid memories are hosting playdates for our daughter and dog, but what really stands out for me now, are those when I was left alone in with my thoughts in reflection. Okay, maybe I wasn't always completely alone, as most of my summer days were spent with my furry sidekick, Taylor, by my side, but there were a lot of thoughts and feelings that only I was privy to.
I'll admit that in between the playdates, I took a lot of naps. But as much time that was spent on playdates and naps, there was an equal amount of time where I was lost in my thoughts.
Sometimes my mind focused on the occurrences in the past, while other moments held my many questions and daydreams of the future.
Looking back, I think it was just so hard for me to spend time thinking about the struggles going on in the present, and therefore, much more enjoyable to reminisce about what had already happened and wonder that which may still come.
Yet, at some point, I came to see that a lot of this was out of my control. There wasn't something that I could do to immediately change any of it, nor did I have any power over how it was all going to play out. Instead, I learned that what I could do is let go, and trust that what's meant for me and for my family will be.
I also realized that my tearful prayers and silent questions were heard and would be answered in time, as the continued messages from my intuition- and Instagram scrolling- all had the same responses.
Be Patient.
Let Go of Your Worries and Fears.
Believe in the Magic of Miracles.
Trust God's Divine Timing.
To be completely honest, it was hard to do at first, but I kept telling myself to trust this guidance and more importantly: Trust God.
And once I did, the things that I really needed the most started finding their way to me.
I just had to keep trusting and believing, then say yes to the opportunities that came along, knowing in my heart that they were part of God's plan for me and our family.
These last nine years have challenged me in ways that words may never fully explain, but I know God and many relatives and loved ones up above have been watching over us. I may have questioned that at times, especially when symptoms broke my spirit and medical bills bankrupted us, but now, more than ever, I believe that God has a plan for us. It hasn't all been revealed yet, but I do believe that one day I'll have a better understanding as to why this chapter of our lives has played out the way it has.
But for now, I'll fully admit that my mind is clear, my heart is full, and I really feel so incredibly strong. How I feel right now is better than I have for most of my adult life, and I have to acknowledge that it's because of God's guidance.
I have no idea what's next, and at times that's really been one of my greatest fears and the nemesis of this undiagnosed diseases, but I've come to accept that and really put my focusing into the things that matter much more than having a formal answer.
For anyone who has gone through these diseases and other chronic health battles, either as the patient, partner or caregiver, you know that all that you can do is:
Keep Fighting, Keep Believing, Keep Trusting and Keep Going.
And so I will.
