Nine Years of Rebecoming Me

The other night I sat outside with a friend, talking like we usually do with topics going back-and-forth between parenting the kids, our golden retrievers, and this whole crazy world we all live in.

In most of our backyard chats, we also share stories from "the glory days" and love for our respective college towns.

In discussing our individual college experiences, she said something that really resonated with me. She shared that college was the time where she discovered herself. "That's where I became me," she explained.

To be honest, I always thought that college was like that for me too. It was a time when I was away from home for the first time and meeting new people and building friendships. I felt like I could reinvent myself, after living in "The Bubble", which was the term that my hometown peers and I used to properly describe our small-sized suburban township. College was when I felt that I got a fresh start to be "me", instead of the identity that was created through my days of playing soccer and basketball, living in the well-known "Indian Plan", and feeling that I was friends with a lot of people but struggled at times to understand why some childhood pals drifted apart. (I now know this is just part of growing up.)

In thinking more about it, I know that college was just the beginning for me, and that these last nine years are the ones that are responsible for my self-awareness and personal growth, leading me to be the person I am and want to continue to be.

For me, this chapter has been much more than that, as these years have included unexpected-onset and decline of my husband's health as well as the entirety of our marriage and daughter's life. They are also the majority of my thirties, a chapter which tends to focus on love, family, and career, all in the most positive of ways.

My thirties' chapter has been the balance act of family, career, and so much more. For me, it's been caring for my husband's ongoing health struggles while also searching for answers, and maybe more importantly someone to understand and believe his symptoms and our concerns. It's been about raising my daughter and allowing her to have the best relationship possible with her father. It's been filled with prayers, tears, and endless hopes that the next day would be better. And more days than not, it's been about physically forcing myself to get up and find my strength to face the physical, emotional, and financial stressors that were far from predictable, yet suddenly became my inescapable norm.

It's also been about sharing our story, in hopes of helping others going through the same or similar struggles, letting them know that they aren't alone in their loneliness and that these rare diseases and atypical cases make it even more difficult to get the support and resources that our families need most.

But this post isn't about any of that specifically, per say, but rather all of it and more so how it's impacted me directly. It's my acknowledgement that every day of these last nine years has inspired me to grow, face my fears, and learn to love myself. It has caused me to see the world differently, with heightened awareness and empathy, but also has forced me look much more closely at myself and just who I am and want to be.

Essentially, this chapter has made me "me", and it is the result of the immeasurable challenges, questions, doubts, tears, hopes, and prayers.

As I recently said to a few other friends, "I feel pretty good, despite all that I'm going through, but just very stressed."

It really is the truth. Despite losing my job and losing our rental home in two months, I actually feel the best I have in a long time. My mind is clear and my heart is strong, and I'm not afraid to take chances or stand up for my beliefs.

While I struggle to understand why my husband has had to suffer as much as he has, part of me believes that there is some God-guided serendipity behind it all. As difficult as the days and nights have been, I do believe that all of this was to help me grow and become the person I have been dreaming to be. It's as though all of this wasn't a form of punishment but rather preparation for what's to come next.

I guess that's for The Universe to decide...