There is only one way to learn. It's through action.
Everything you need to know you have learned through your journey.
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
Over the past few years, I've found myself reflecting back on my life. Some of it was likely due to becoming a parent and seeing life from a new perspective, but I'm quite sure that it has a lot to do with the challenges that we've faced in our family.
I have also been lucky enough to connect with a therapist who allowed me to feel comfortable enough open up and share things from my past that I internalized for way too long.
Through all of the reflection and guidance, the one thing that I've noticed more than anything is my self-confidence, which is something that I'll admit had fallen into the lost-and-found bin a few times, which seemingly coincided with puberty and the beginning of my struggle with anxiety.
There was a large chunk of time where I felt that my life was very disjointed, with the onset beginning during my college years as my journey first led me away from my hometown. Maybe part of it was due to some personal trauma that I experienced in my adolescence that made me want to escape the bubble and leave that version of me behind too. Or maybe I just always had an innate feeling that I was meant to experience life outside of it. I don’t really know, but have greatly learned to trust my instinct and follow my heart’s calling, whether it‘s for my own benefit or any others who have come into my life.
In mentioning this, I want to share more about me. The person I am, but also the parts of my past that I have been processing and working to gain a better understanding of.
In some ways it's been easy to remember things, but in others, it really has been difficult to look back and recognize the pain that I faced. Overall, I guess it really has been worth it when I think how it's all led me to become who I am today, and the mother of my beautiful girl that I ultimately feel was truly meant to be.
But for those of you who do not know me, I will share that I grew up in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, with my parents and younger brother. My parents were both born and raised in the same city and have been together since beginning to date in high school. We moved to a house in the suburbs when I was four years old, with my parents still residing there today. I played soccer and basketball during my childhood, continuing to participate in both sports throughout high school.
After graduating high school, I attended two colleges in Ohio, with my first year being at Kent State University and then transferring to Ohio University. I had actually planned to attend OU originally but changed my mind at some point during my senior year, and then ironically landed there a year later after feeling like Kent wasn't the right place for me.
My college days are memorable, and also very blurry at times. I made some incredible forever friends, and also fell in love with that beautiful college town. When I graduated in June 2006, I wasn't ready to leave a place that had truly felt like home to me. As my dad knows very well, I left Athens a few weeks after my graduation with tears flooding from my eyes. He thought that I was just sad to leave my friends, which I was of course, but I was also struggling with high anxiety and a bit of a broken heart.
Looking back, I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do with my life. While I had a college degree and a passion for writing, I was misguided by an academic advisor during my transfer meeting who suggested majoring in English after not being accepted into the prestigious journalism school.
I can still vividly remember sitting in a class during my senior year and learning about the history of the English language and thinking, "What the f*$! am I doing here?" So yeah, I definitely shouldn't have majored in English. Lesson learned.
As you can imagine, that summer was one of the most difficult times of my life as I fell into a deep depression that only seemed to be temporarily lifted when I visited my friends in their Ohio hometowns. I spent a lot of time feeling absolutely numb and tried to sleep the days away, hoping that I'd feel better when I woke up. I found some therapeutic value in writing, but really it took me awhile to get out of my post-grad funk.
Somehow I picked myself up enough in the fall of 2006 and started working as a hostess at The Cheesecake Factory that opened up at the mall. It was actually a great experience as it provided me a social outlet, helped me save up some money, and taught me a ton about people. (It also led me to be a much better tipper.) But working there for a few months, it also made me realize that I didn't want to stay in Pittsburgh and so I began seeking opportunities in Ohio to reunite with some of my college friends and begin figuring out the next chapter of my life.
In July 2007, I moved into an apartment in downtown Columbus, which was in the most perfect location as my friends and I spent many nights taking advantage of the short walk to the row of bars in the area. I absolutely loved living in Columbus and working for a non-profit organization in an AmeriCorps VISTA position, but the monthly stipend was a struggle that caused me a lot of anxiety and wasn't very supportive of the lifestyle of a single twentysomething.
I remember applying to a ton of jobs and feeling great confusion that my hard work and connections were failing to get me so much as an interview. But during this time also marked the beginnging of a recession, I felt that I had no choice but to say goodbye to my beloved Ohio and follow an opportunity in Chicago with a national non-profit organization that I had been working with at the state-level initiatives.
In late November 2008, I moved into my apartment in the well-known Lakeview/Lincoln Park neighborhood and began the Chicago chapter of my life. As my parents know, my this part of my journey was initially very challenging and not as exciting and glamorous as others may experience after moving to this famous city. Maybe it had to do with the long communicate, which regularly took 1 1/2 hours on CTA trains and buses to venture from the city to the company's small office in the suburbs. Or the fact that I learned quickly that the job and quiet work environment wasn't the right for for me.
But whatever the case may have been, I will always credit Chicago for making me face many fears and teaching me the beauty in being vulnerable and taking chances. And it was during this time of my life that helped me finally answer the question, "What do you want to be when your grow up?"
After spending a lot of my time volunteering with Make-A-Wish Foundation and the local children's hospital, I knew I wanted to be a Child Life Specialist.
Ironically, I first remember learning about Child Life while talking with a new friend in my Columbus apartment following a night-out at the bars. She shared how she was completing her required internship at the hospital after completing her Bachelor's Degree in the field at my alma mater, which is something I didn't know was an option when I was there. While I was immediately interested in the the field, going back to school for a master's degree really didn't feel like an option at the time, especially since I had a contract to finish and felt the pressure to make money since my savings were greatly dwindling away.
Becoming a Child Life Specialist is something that I continued to think a lot about because it just felt right. While the timing may not have been right then, it eventually was as I took a chance in applying for a graduate program and began my path to towards gaining my certification and beginning the career that I love.
I share all of this as I have really come to see life as a journey.
Through each experience and challenge, I've come to find a greater sense of clarity and better understanding of my own life.
Every moment, good or bad, has literally led me to where I am today and given me the strength to face all of the challenges in our lives.
After all, this life gave me my family and blessed me with becoming a mother to the most beautiful and fascinating girl, I truly believe that she was always part of the journey that I was always meant to have.
Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
Soren Kierkegaard