All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us. (J.R.R. Tolkien)
I absolutely love this time of year. The changing colors of the trees are mesmerizingly stunning, and the sun shining down while the crisp breeze blows, it's just the kind of peace that only nature can provide.
Fall is by far, my favorite season. Pumpkin vanilla candles, cozy blankets, and sneaking into the Halloween candy stash, especially for Twizzlers and gummy candy.
Then there's the clothes! Oversized sweaters and sweatshirts, leggings, and boots, with sunglasses or a baseball cap. If I was a cartoon, fall fashion would definitely be my character's everyday wardrobe.
And I can't forget the drinks- spiced apple cider, pumpkin spice, chai tea lattes, and an occasional hot chocolate. I swear, red wine even seems to taste better this time of year.
But the unfortunate thing about this season is that my husband's symptoms always seem to flare up and continue throughout the darker and colder months. And this week, as much as I've enjoyed the beauty of the fall colors and unexpected warmer weather here in Chicago, it's been difficult to see my husband suffering with symptoms and cognitive struggles that we hadn't seen in a while.
To be honest, I knew they would appear again, but I also had this little hope that I was wrong.
Even though I've seen dozens of these symptoms before my eyes and in my house many times before- the ones familiar to neurological conditions, autoimmune diseases, and the nervous system dysfunction- I don't think I'll ever fully be prepared when they happen. It's usually in the evening, so it looks like we have gotten through the day without any major issues, but then it happens, and quickly your heart sinks as you got into survival mode all over again.
As you can imagine, none of this is easy, but over time, I've sadly just gotten used to it. And maybe more importantly, I've learned how to stay calm and focus on helping him overcome these distressing moments.
The last few mornings, I have enjoyed walking my dog around the neighborhood and sitting in a pile of autumn leaves at the nearby park. With my daughter at school and my new job not starting for another few days, I have been able to fully embrace being able "to be in the now".
Sitting there, admiring the serene beauty and my quiet mind with occasional puppy kisses and paw-holding, I have thought about something that was said to me a few weeks ago:
"You have been given the gift of time."
I immediately knew she was right. As hard as the last few months have been, the loss of my job proved to be a blessing in disguise as it gave me the time to reflect and focus on my own wellbeing. I was able to spend quality time with my daughter, enjoy the dog I always dreamed of having, start and finish projects, and take some chances without fear as I followed my heart, intuition, and true passions.
Overall, I know that this time was meant to be a renewal for me. I had lost so much of myself worrying about my husband's health and carrying for everyone else, and this time forced me to think about my own needs. It was extremely difficult at first, because anyone who really knows me knows my selfless nature, but I had to do it.
And I'm grateful I did because I think it's all
meant to prepare me for what is still to come.