For as long as I can remember, I have dreamed of living in a beach town.
It was always Stone Harbor, New Jersey, because for a while it was the only beach I knew, since it was the vacation spot for my childhood summers.
In my adult years, the dream remained but the location started to vary. More often than not, the setting is California, but the Carolinas or a small town along the northeastern coast tend to sneak in there.
I don't know why, but it just seems to feel like home to me.
Maybe its the ocean's healing powers or simply having a break from my normal everyday life, but I've always been able to reconnect to my true self while staring out into the sea.
There's also just something about the carefree beach life, and serenity and friendliness of the surrounding town that has always seems to speak directly to my soul.
And on this trip, I felt a stronger pull than ever before. It may have been my daughter's contagious smile as she fearlessly dove into, under, and through the waves, or the circulation of golden retrievers who serendipitously entered my each of my days, making me wish even more that my own was there too.
Taylor, you would absolutely love the beach!
On the morning before my plane ride back to the Midwest, I walked barefoot and alone with the ocean. I let my mind wander and tell me what it wanted to think about, or which worry to ponder.
For a minute, I got to enjoy the rare beauty of a silent mind. The crashing waves were all I heard, as my feet felt the softness of the sand and I took in the beauty of the moment. It was just me and the sea. No fears, no worries. No doubts and no pain.
I breathed in the fresh ocean air, and breathed out and let it all go. As the sun shined down on me, I felt full trust in The Universe and the unknown plans ahead for me.
But it's still so hard.
When a I came back to Chicago and my beach bubble burst a bit, a friend asked me to picture what my dream life would look like.
I immediately saw a beach, with my golden retriever chasing balls into my ocean, running towards my daughter who was dancing in the waves with the happiest smile.
There's more to this dream of mine that I'm still figuring out, but I know the fine print includes:
No chronic, rare, and/or life-threatening genetic conditions or diseases.
No emotional distress that is unnecessary for the human good, such as financial issues caused by hard-to-diagnose diseases and our broken medical system.
No explanations as to why our credit history is so poor.
No doctors who dismiss symptoms or say, "you're too young for that".
Just the sound of that alone is a dream, especially right now.
Actually, walking along a beach with no worries, and having a place to go home to, that sounds like the momentary dream in my heart.
Honestly, right now the beach isn't even a thought as I'm just hoping to find a new rental for our family as we continue along this unknown chapter of our journey together.
We now have seven days until our lease ends, and nothing has panned out yet, all due to some kind of issue related to the struggles we continue to endure.
No matter how hard it gets, I can't afford to lose my faith or not trust that The Universe has a plan I haven't been fully informed of yet. But every day gets harder to retain hope.
Though I have to be the strong one.
There's never been any other choice.